Christ and the clitoris

When I was a schoolboy, a theology teacher with a particularly specious angle on the Argument from Design told me that he thought the clitoris was the best evidence for the existence of a benevolent God. I presume that he was 'thinking' along the following lines. The clitoris serves no purpose other than to increase women's enjoyment of sex; such a superfluous benefit could have no conceivable adaptive significance; therefore it must be God's gift to women. I hadn't thought about this moron (my theology teacher, that is, not God) for twenty years until I encountered a similar argument from my brother-in-law, two days ago. He made the excellent and inarguable point that pigs eat shit and turn it into bacon. He went on to suggest that they are unlikely to be doing this for their own benefit, so there must be a benevolent God. Frankly, I doubt whether this argument would resist sustained critical assault. There's a bit of a philosophical leap of faith from premise to conclusion. Mind you, we were well into the third bottle of wine by the time N skated onto the thin ice upon which his faith rests and the quality of his linguine with prawns (and the poverty of his education) excuses a lot of theological confusion.

My kids (aged four and almost six) have started coming home from school and telling me all about Jesus and his father, God. They have quite detailed knowledge of the latter's capabilities. Pieter was beside himself with excitement after having discovered that Jesus's dad lives in the sky and has special powers even stronger than Ben Ten's. Pieter's young mind can't really grasp anything that would beat Ben Ten's watch in a straight shoot out.

Call me a grumpy old fart but I am REALLY, REALLY ANGRY that I am supposed to put up with Mrs Brown and Miss Paddock teaching my children the Bible story, as though it were mathematics. Trust our children, my wife tells me. They will draw their own conclusions, if you let them. Putting the opposite case will only result in a reaction and you'll end up with Jehovah's Witnesses for kids. Maybe. But our poor, innocent, ignorant children are immersed in a soup of shite, almost from the beginning. It breaks my heart to listen to Pieter singing, in his little piping voice, about Jesus dying for us on the cross.

Is there anyone out there who agrees with me or is everyone else happy to stand by and watch their children being force fed shit (prior to conversion into bacon) through a fire hose?

Alphatuosity

It is impossible for a narcissist like me to avoid clicking on the ‘stats’ tab of my blog’s dashboard, if not every day then at least every other. As a result, I know that ‘The Alphatuous Course’ is by far the most frequently accessed piece that I have written so far. Is this because blasphemy, even in our secular world, still sends a delicious shiver down the most materialistic spine? Or is it because evidence of my mental condition rises closest to the surface in this piece?

Whatever the reason, I feel that my tiny but outré audience deserves an update from the Theological Committee hard at work commensuralising the worlds’ religions. Inadequate to the task of holding to account the Committee members, I asked Jeremy Paxman to interview them instead and he graciously acceded. The following transcript, lightly edited, is the result of his investigations.

Archbishop of Canterbury: Rowan Williams

Paxman: ‘Archbishop, your colleague Bishop Gene Robinson (http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1331530/Archbishop-Canterbury-abducted-aliens-says-bishop-battle-gay-clergy.html?ito=feeds-newsxml) alleges you have been abducted by aliens. Is this true?’

Archbishop of Canterbury

An alien

Williams: ‘Well Jeremy, that’s a very interesting question but might I just say that I think you are overlooking the most important issue of our age, namely the question of whether having a vagina precludes a person from administering the sacraments. My own view on this critical question is that, on the one hand yes; on the other hand, no.’

Paxman: ‘Yeeeees. I see. Have you been abducted by aliens?’

Williams: ‘I think the important thing to recognise is that we need to pray for guidance at this difficult time for the Anglican Communion.’

Paxman: ‘So, what was it like on the alien spaceship?’

Williams: ‘I pray for Gene Robinson every day…’

Paxman: ‘He says he prays for you every day. Who’s prayers is God listening to?’

Williams: ‘Jeremy, God listens to every prayer. That’s what’s so lovely about him.’

Paxman: ‘Perhaps I should have asked whose prayers God seems to favour?’

Williams: [laughing] ‘Oh Jeremy, you are a card. God listens, but he doesn’t very often answer. Only children and seminary inmates expect their prayers to be answered, these days. We in the Anglican Communion are realistic about these things.’

Paxman: ‘Which brings me on to the main purpose of this interview. What are you going to do for the Theological Committee’?

Williams: ‘Well, Jeremy, I think the Committee has been far too focused on issues like poverty, hunger, misery and suffering. What I think we really need to do is get the members of the Committee to focus on the central issue of the ordination of women priests. I’ll be working night and day to bring this about.’

Paxman: ‘Archbishop of Canterbury, Dr Rowan Williams, thank you very much.’

Ayatollah Seyed Ali Hoseyni Khāmene’i

Paxman: ‘Ayatollah Khāmene’i, your predecessor on the Committee met with an unfortunate fate, after issuing a fatwa condemning his fellow committee members for saying that Islam is a violent religion. Is Islam a violent religion?’

Leader of a peaceful religion

Khāmene’i: ‘When I assumed office I vowed to eliminate deviation, liberalism, and American-influenced leftists. And I wasn’t thinking gentle persuasion. Most Muslims, however, think I’m barking mad, so I wouldn’t worry, too much.’

Paxman: ‘Does the Koran condone violence against innocent civilians?’

Khāmene’i: ‘No, only against niggers, women, gays and Americans.’

Paxman [smiling superciliously]: ‘So I assume that the Archbishop of Canterbury is one of your closest allies on the Committee?’

Khāmene’i [smiling unctuously]: ‘Well, let’s just say that I have been able to recommend some techniques to him for dealing with recalcitrant Bishops.’

Paxman: ‘Ayatollah, thank you very much.’

His Holiness Pope Benedict XVI

Paxman: ‘Your Holiness…’

Benedict: ‘You can call me Joseph.’

The antichrist

Paxman: ‘Thanks, Joseph. What do you understand by Jesus Christ’s injunction ‘suffer little children’?’

Benedict [smiling]: ‘I can think of many delightful ways to make little children suffer, Jeremy, but these days I am too busy attending to matters of State to indulge such worldly pleasures.’

Paxman: ‘Were you really in the Hitler Youth?’

Benedict: ‘Yes. But I didn’t inhale.’

Paxman: ‘What are your hobbies?’

Benedict: ‘I beg your pardon?’

Paxman: ‘I said, what are your hobbies?’

Benedict: ‘Dressing up, waving, defending the rights of retroviruses and harbouring paedophiles.’

Paxman: ‘Your holiness, good night.’

The Dalai Lama

Paxman: ‘Dalai Lama, why are you named after a small, South American camelid?’

Dalai Lama: ‘That is a common misconception. The lama is in fact rather a large camelid. You are thinking of a Vicuña.’

A wise man on his night off

Paxman: ‘My mistake, sorry. Why do you think that many people who abandon monotheistic religions go on to embrace Buddhism?’

Dalai Lama: ‘Jeremy, and I thought you were a cynical, careerist, sneering member of the British Establishment. My sincere apologies.’

Paxman [sneering, cynically]: ‘Thank you.’

Dalai Lama: ‘We do not believe in God. Not really. But we offer a last resort for the spiritually desperate. We turn no-one away.’

Paxman: ‘Dalai Lama, thank you very much.’

Yoda

Paxman: ‘Yoda, you are unique among my interviewees today, in that you believe in an entirely mythical and obviously illusory world spirit, The Force’.

Yoda [laughing]: ‘Articulate you are, Jeremy, but wisdom, you lack.’

Paxman [arching eyebrows]: ‘Oh?’

Yoda: ‘When conquered, you have, your myths and your fears, a void will you find. This void, the Force will fill.’

Paxman: ‘May the Force be with you, master.’

Yoda: ‘And also with you.’

The Alphatuous Course

Usually, when I walk past one of those giant posters outside a church, posing the question ‘Does God Exist?’ followed by three boxes representing ‘yes’, ‘no’ and ‘maybe’, I am seized by an almost irrepressible urge to buy a can of red spray paint and write, Bart Simpson style, ‘OF COURSE NOT, YOU STUPID, CREDULOUS MORONS’, in letters a foot high, all over the walls of the church.

Recently, however, it has occurred to me that, if charlatans are actually allowed by law to advertise their services in this way, why not get in on the act? After all, if the cretins who attend the Alpha Course are capable of being separated from their hard-earned cash simply by being given the opportunity to speculate on the meaning of life (clue: it begins with an 'n'), how much money might one be able to extort from these same, poor creatures if one actually promised them some concrete, hedonistic benefits, as well as spiritual enlightenment?

With this aim in mind, I am working on establishing a new meta-religion, of which I will be chief prophet. Those of you who know me well may doubt my suitability for a position of such sensitivity and influence but I would ask you to contemplate the current head of state at the Vatican and ask yourself which of us scares you more.

Head of the Vatican Center for the Protection and Rehabilitation of Child Rapists

The Pope

 The obvious problem with all current religions is that they are incompatible with one another. For example, if you believe that human sacrifice is a perfectly legitimate means of attempting to influence the gods to intervene in your behalf, you are likely to dismiss talk of doing unto others as you would have them do unto you. If you spend your weekends infundibulating pubescent girls because God obviously didn’t really want women to enjoy sex, you will probably have limited sympathy with the suggestion that the path to nirvana is lined with naked, writhing bodies conducting experiments in free love. If you are basically opposed on principle to eating human flesh, you may find the idea of consuming bits of a corpse every Sunday a bit icky. Pass the Yorkshire pudding instead, you may very well be thinking and I, for one, would throw in the horseradish sauce for free.

If incompatibility is the obvious problem, the obvious solution is to assemble an internationally respected team of theologians and have them thrash it out. Can a more appropriate collective noun ever have existed than the one for a group of theologians: apologists? I have brought together such a group and they are working flat out to render the incommensurable, ummm, commensurable. After some initial difficulties, when the ayatollah on the team issued a fatwa against all his colleagues for suggesting that Islam is a violent religion, things are progressing well (except for the ayatollah, whom we gave to the voodoo mystic for spare parts). For example, the committee has agreed that, although eating pork is basically verboten, bacon sandwiches are to be declared exempt from this restriction. Although women will no longer be considered actually unclean while menstruating, they will still be expected to confine themselves to performing essential domestic chores during their periods.

With such open minded attitudes given free reign to meet and merge, it cannot be long before we arrive at an internally consistent religion that admits all comers. Except atheists, of course. Those sickos are going to HELL.

So, how can you be a part of this brave new movement?

I have designed several short courses, aimed at introducing you to my new meta-religion. Not only are these courses likely to cause the scales to fall from your eyes, some involve opportunities to use a lot of firearms. You may think that the nominal donation we suggest you make, £250, is a lot of money but what price enlightenment? Naturally, we accept all forms of credulity card.

Option 1: Jihad Mini Break

Based at the idyllic Red Sea resort of Al Jazeera in Yemen, we will be exploring ways of exorcising our frustrations by killing innocent civilians. We wanted to hold the course in Somerset but the Health & Safety Executive would not budge on the issue of torture. With plenty of time allowed for freelance killing, we will study the history of homicide as interpreted by the prophet Mohamed (PBUH). We will supply tourists but please bring your own bread knife. Continental breakfast included.

Option 2: Sex With The Founder

While our theological committee continues to grapple with the thorny issue of whether God is male or female, and whether, having invented shagging, he/she actually approves of it, I thought it only fair to offer female readers under the age of twenty the opportunity to have sex with an actual prophet. There will be no charge for choosing this option but you might want to bring a paper bag.

Option 3: Taking The Opposition Seriously

This course is likely to appeal only to the most gifted among you, intellectually. You will be provided with a small cell, a computer and an unlimited supply of paper. Three days later we will let you out and expect you to have something interesting to say about the reason people still insist on clinging to organised religion in an age when there are clearer ways to see the world. If you don’t, we will disguise you as American tourists and put you on a bus to Yemen.

Shortly before I was ready to post this article I received from my apologists’ committee the following draft of a modified meta-religious Lord’s Prayer.

Allahu Akhbar!

But frankly, you can be a sanctimonious cunt at times.

Forgive us our trespasses,

As we forgive those who trespass against us

(Except ragheads and faggots obviously).

Thy Kingdom come, as will thy priests,

Through the glory hole in the confessional wall,

While seeking absolution for buggering choir boys.

We promise not to eat pork (except the odd bacon sandwich),

Or cows, or shellfish, or one another.

Nor shall we accidentally inhale small flying insects.

Which obviously limits Your options a bit,

When providing our daily crust.

But we are confident this won’t be a problem

For an omnipotent being such as Yourself.

We shall endlessly debate Important Questions

Such as the ordination of women priests

Leaving the difficult shit like succouring the weak

And alleviating suffering to you, old chap.
Good luck.

Amen.