Alphatuosity

It is impossible for a narcissist like me to avoid clicking on the ‘stats’ tab of my blog’s dashboard, if not every day then at least every other. As a result, I know that ‘The Alphatuous Course’ is by far the most frequently accessed piece that I have written so far. Is this because blasphemy, even in our secular world, still sends a delicious shiver down the most materialistic spine? Or is it because evidence of my mental condition rises closest to the surface in this piece?

Whatever the reason, I feel that my tiny but outré audience deserves an update from the Theological Committee hard at work commensuralising the worlds’ religions. Inadequate to the task of holding to account the Committee members, I asked Jeremy Paxman to interview them instead and he graciously acceded. The following transcript, lightly edited, is the result of his investigations.

Archbishop of Canterbury: Rowan Williams

Paxman: ‘Archbishop, your colleague Bishop Gene Robinson (http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1331530/Archbishop-Canterbury-abducted-aliens-says-bishop-battle-gay-clergy.html?ito=feeds-newsxml) alleges you have been abducted by aliens. Is this true?’

Archbishop of Canterbury

An alien

Williams: ‘Well Jeremy, that’s a very interesting question but might I just say that I think you are overlooking the most important issue of our age, namely the question of whether having a vagina precludes a person from administering the sacraments. My own view on this critical question is that, on the one hand yes; on the other hand, no.’

Paxman: ‘Yeeeees. I see. Have you been abducted by aliens?’

Williams: ‘I think the important thing to recognise is that we need to pray for guidance at this difficult time for the Anglican Communion.’

Paxman: ‘So, what was it like on the alien spaceship?’

Williams: ‘I pray for Gene Robinson every day…’

Paxman: ‘He says he prays for you every day. Who’s prayers is God listening to?’

Williams: ‘Jeremy, God listens to every prayer. That’s what’s so lovely about him.’

Paxman: ‘Perhaps I should have asked whose prayers God seems to favour?’

Williams: [laughing] ‘Oh Jeremy, you are a card. God listens, but he doesn’t very often answer. Only children and seminary inmates expect their prayers to be answered, these days. We in the Anglican Communion are realistic about these things.’

Paxman: ‘Which brings me on to the main purpose of this interview. What are you going to do for the Theological Committee’?

Williams: ‘Well, Jeremy, I think the Committee has been far too focused on issues like poverty, hunger, misery and suffering. What I think we really need to do is get the members of the Committee to focus on the central issue of the ordination of women priests. I’ll be working night and day to bring this about.’

Paxman: ‘Archbishop of Canterbury, Dr Rowan Williams, thank you very much.’

Ayatollah Seyed Ali Hoseyni Khāmene’i

Paxman: ‘Ayatollah Khāmene’i, your predecessor on the Committee met with an unfortunate fate, after issuing a fatwa condemning his fellow committee members for saying that Islam is a violent religion. Is Islam a violent religion?’

Leader of a peaceful religion

Khāmene’i: ‘When I assumed office I vowed to eliminate deviation, liberalism, and American-influenced leftists. And I wasn’t thinking gentle persuasion. Most Muslims, however, think I’m barking mad, so I wouldn’t worry, too much.’

Paxman: ‘Does the Koran condone violence against innocent civilians?’

Khāmene’i: ‘No, only against niggers, women, gays and Americans.’

Paxman [smiling superciliously]: ‘So I assume that the Archbishop of Canterbury is one of your closest allies on the Committee?’

Khāmene’i [smiling unctuously]: ‘Well, let’s just say that I have been able to recommend some techniques to him for dealing with recalcitrant Bishops.’

Paxman: ‘Ayatollah, thank you very much.’

His Holiness Pope Benedict XVI

Paxman: ‘Your Holiness…’

Benedict: ‘You can call me Joseph.’

The antichrist

Paxman: ‘Thanks, Joseph. What do you understand by Jesus Christ’s injunction ‘suffer little children’?’

Benedict [smiling]: ‘I can think of many delightful ways to make little children suffer, Jeremy, but these days I am too busy attending to matters of State to indulge such worldly pleasures.’

Paxman: ‘Were you really in the Hitler Youth?’

Benedict: ‘Yes. But I didn’t inhale.’

Paxman: ‘What are your hobbies?’

Benedict: ‘I beg your pardon?’

Paxman: ‘I said, what are your hobbies?’

Benedict: ‘Dressing up, waving, defending the rights of retroviruses and harbouring paedophiles.’

Paxman: ‘Your holiness, good night.’

The Dalai Lama

Paxman: ‘Dalai Lama, why are you named after a small, South American camelid?’

Dalai Lama: ‘That is a common misconception. The lama is in fact rather a large camelid. You are thinking of a Vicuña.’

A wise man on his night off

Paxman: ‘My mistake, sorry. Why do you think that many people who abandon monotheistic religions go on to embrace Buddhism?’

Dalai Lama: ‘Jeremy, and I thought you were a cynical, careerist, sneering member of the British Establishment. My sincere apologies.’

Paxman [sneering, cynically]: ‘Thank you.’

Dalai Lama: ‘We do not believe in God. Not really. But we offer a last resort for the spiritually desperate. We turn no-one away.’

Paxman: ‘Dalai Lama, thank you very much.’

Yoda

Paxman: ‘Yoda, you are unique among my interviewees today, in that you believe in an entirely mythical and obviously illusory world spirit, The Force’.

Yoda [laughing]: ‘Articulate you are, Jeremy, but wisdom, you lack.’

Paxman [arching eyebrows]: ‘Oh?’

Yoda: ‘When conquered, you have, your myths and your fears, a void will you find. This void, the Force will fill.’

Paxman: ‘May the Force be with you, master.’

Yoda: ‘And also with you.’