Recently, however, it has occurred to me that, if charlatans are actually allowed by law to advertise their services in this way, why not get in on the act? After all, if the cretins who attend the Alpha Course are capable of being separated from their hard-earned cash simply by being given the opportunity to speculate on the meaning of life (clue: it begins with an 'n'), how much money might one be able to extort from these same, poor creatures if one actually promised them some concrete, hedonistic benefits, as well as spiritual enlightenment?
With this aim in mind, I am working on establishing a new meta-religion, of which I will be chief prophet. Those of you who know me well may doubt my suitability for a position of such sensitivity and influence but I would ask you to contemplate the current head of state at the Vatican and ask yourself which of us scares you more.
The obvious problem with all current religions is that they are incompatible with one another. For example, if you believe that human sacrifice is a perfectly legitimate means of attempting to influence the gods to intervene in your behalf, you are likely to dismiss talk of doing unto others as you would have them do unto you. If you spend your weekends infundibulating pubescent girls because God obviously didn’t really want women to enjoy sex, you will probably have limited sympathy with the suggestion that the path to nirvana is lined with naked, writhing bodies conducting experiments in free love. If you are basically opposed on principle to eating human flesh, you may find the idea of consuming bits of a corpse every Sunday a bit icky. Pass the Yorkshire pudding instead, you may very well be thinking and I, for one, would throw in the horseradish sauce for free.
 |
| Head of the Vatican Center for the Protection and Rehabilitation of Child Rapists |
 |
| The Pope |
If incompatibility is the obvious problem, the obvious solution is to assemble an internationally respected team of theologians and have them thrash it out. Can a more appropriate collective noun ever have existed than the one for a group of theologians: apologists? I have brought together such a group and they are working flat out to render the incommensurable, ummm, commensurable. After some initial difficulties, when the ayatollah on the team issued a fatwa against all his colleagues for suggesting that Islam is a violent religion, things are progressing well (except for the ayatollah, whom we gave to the voodoo mystic for spare parts). For example, the committee has agreed that, although eating pork is basically verboten, bacon sandwiches are to be declared exempt from this restriction. Although women will no longer be considered actually unclean while menstruating, they will still be expected to confine themselves to performing essential domestic chores during their periods.
With such open minded attitudes given free reign to meet and merge, it cannot be long before we arrive at an internally consistent religion that admits all comers. Except atheists, of course. Those sickos are going to HELL.
So, how can you be a part of this brave new movement?
I have designed several short courses, aimed at introducing you to my new meta-religion. Not only are these courses likely to cause the scales to fall from your eyes, some involve opportunities to use a lot of firearms. You may think that the nominal donation we suggest you make, £250, is a lot of money but what price enlightenment? Naturally, we accept all forms of credulity card.
Option 1: Jihad Mini Break
Based at the idyllic Red Sea resort of Al Jazeera in Yemen, we will be exploring ways of exorcising our frustrations by killing innocent civilians. We wanted to hold the course in Somerset but the Health & Safety Executive would not budge on the issue of torture. With plenty of time allowed for freelance killing, we will study the history of homicide as interpreted by the prophet Mohamed (PBUH). We will supply tourists but please bring your own bread knife. Continental breakfast included.
Option 2: Sex With The Founder
While our theological committee continues to grapple with the thorny issue of whether God is male or female, and whether, having invented shagging, he/she actually approves of it, I thought it only fair to offer female readers under the age of twenty the opportunity to have sex with an actual prophet. There will be no charge for choosing this option but you might want to bring a paper bag.
Option 3: Taking The Opposition Seriously
This course is likely to appeal only to the most gifted among you, intellectually. You will be provided with a small cell, a computer and an unlimited supply of paper. Three days later we will let you out and expect you to have something interesting to say about the reason people still insist on clinging to organised religion in an age when there are clearer ways to see the world. If you don’t, we will disguise you as American tourists and put you on a bus to Yemen.
Shortly before I was ready to post this article I received from my apologists’ committee the following draft of a modified meta-religious Lord’s Prayer.
Allahu Akhbar!
But frankly, you can be a sanctimonious cunt at times.
Forgive us our trespasses,
As we forgive those who trespass against us
(Except ragheads and faggots obviously).
Thy Kingdom come, as will thy priests,
Through the glory hole in the confessional wall,
While seeking absolution for buggering choir boys.
We promise not to eat pork (except the odd bacon sandwich),
Or cows, or shellfish, or one another.
Nor shall we accidentally inhale small flying insects.
Which obviously limits Your options a bit,
When providing our daily crust.
But we are confident this won’t be a problem
For an omnipotent being such as Yourself.
We shall endlessly debate Important Questions
Such as the ordination of women priests
Leaving the difficult shit like succouring the weak
And alleviating suffering to you, old chap.
Good luck.
Good luck.
Amen.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDelete